What does it mean to be resilient?
There’s no right or wrong answer. Resilience is deeply personal, and how we define it depends on our experiences. We’ve all faced hardship in some form — the loss of a loved one, a broken heart, financial struggles, or navigating life’s inevitable transitions. These challenges are as much a part of the human experience as joy and happiness.
Yet, many of us were raised in environments where expressing difficult emotions was frowned upon. Society often conditions us to suppress sadness, frustration, or grief, labeling them as intolerable. But those emotions don’t just disappear; they remain stored in our bodies unless we process them. And here's the crucial insight: processing those emotions builds resilience.
What is Mental Resilience?
Mental resilience is the ability to withstand and recover from high levels of psychological, internal, or external stress. It’s not about never feeling pain — that’s impossible. Rather, resilience is an active adaptive process. Think of it like a pendulum: resilient people may swing in response to stress, but they find a way to return to balance.
Now, take a moment to reflect: Can you think of a time when you were resilient? Write it down.
I’ll share mine. Ironically, I became deeply curious about resilience because I struggled with depression for years. After leaving a career in academia and navigating the intensity of parenting an emotionally sensitive child, I found myself lost, lacking purpose, community, and support. These unmet needs sent my brain into a downward spiral, draining my resilience. It was through this personal journey that I discovered the powerful interplay between neuroscience, compassion, and resilience.
The science of Resilience
Resilience is shaped by several interconnected factors:
Genetics (Nature vs. Nurture)Some of us are born with sensitive nervous systems, while others have more robust ones. But even genetic factors are influenced by the environment — they’re not set in stone.
Early Life ExperiencesHow we were comforted as children and how resilience was modeled to us by caregivers plays a significant role in shaping our ability to bounce back from adversity.
The Stress Response System (HPA Axis)This system controls how our bodies respond to stress. Resilient individuals tend to return to a calm baseline more quickly after a stressor. The good news? This system can be intentionally tuned by our experiences and practices.
Motherhood and Resilience
Motherhood is a profound life transition that rewires the brain. A mother’s brain becomes more sensitive and attuned to potential dangers to ensure her child's survival. This heightened sensitivity can lead to overwhelm but also offers a hidden gift:
The ability to experience deeper joy and pleasure.
By becoming aware of this sensitivity, we can turn it into a strength rather than a source of dysregulation. We can also better recognize our limits and soothe ourselves more effectively.
The Power of Compassion Over Empathy
One of the most important traits of resilient people is compassion. Studies of war survivors who go on to live fulfilled and long lives, and monks - often deemed the happiest and most resilient individuals, show that compassion plays a critical role.
But here’s an essential distinction:
Empathy allows us to share in someone else’s suffering. However, prolonged empathy activates the brain’s fear centers, making us less effective at offering support.
Compassion, on the other hand, involves a rational understanding that someone’s pain is real — without merging it with our own. This activates the brain's problem-solving and regulation areas, allowing us to provide calm, steady support.
Practicing compassion strengthens our brain’s ability to regulate stress and helps tune the HPA axis, reducing the release of stress hormones.
Simple Steps to Build Resilience
Building resilience doesn’t require grand gestures. In fact, small, consistent actions can create powerful change:
Move Your Body: Just 15 minutes of exercise can activate brain circuits responsible for emotional control and boost serotonin and dopamine levels.
Get Morning Sunlight: Exposure to bright light in the morning helps regulate sleep cycles and improves pain tolerance.
Practice Compassion: Shift from empathy to compassion by reframing situations and staying present with clarity.
Connect with Nature: Use your heightened senses to experience the calming effects of nature, soothing music, or meaningful moments with loved ones.
There’s no single solution to strengthening resilience. It’s a collection of small practices that, when combined, help us navigate life's inevitable challenges.
So, as you face whatever lies ahead, remember this: one small step will make the next step easier. And in the process, you will build resilience — not by avoiding life’s struggles, but by moving through them with compassion, care, and courage.
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